1. I can't sign in! What should I do!
This is usually because of junk stuck in your browser; you need to clear out the junk. With Internet Explorer or Firefox, go the Tools menu and select Clear History. With Chrome, go to History and select Clear History. If you have forgotten your password, write to us at service@AreWeGoodTogether.com.
2. Why aren’t there any profiles on this website—you know, with pictures!
This is not a dating site—no sifting through thousands of profiles of people you don’t know. AreWeGoodTogether.com is a service for people who know each other—maybe just a little, maybe a lot. We help people to know each other better in ways that are critically important for long-term, happy relationships.
3. How is this test different from all the other matching tests out there?
The main difference has to do with what’s called the False Negative Problem. Most of the other tests out there are personality tests which try to match people up with people who are similar to them in some respects. That approach will work sometimes and fail sometimes; after all, sometimes opposites really do attract. The problem with personality matching is that the test results prevent you from ever meeting people the test says are unsuitable for you—even if you would be great together! That’s called a "false negative." It’s a serious problem, because we all know people whose happy parents would never have been matched by such a test; in other words, we all know people who would never would have been born if such tests were in use. The approach we use at AreWeGoodTogether.com doesn’t run into the False Negative Problem. Our compatibility report is always issued to people who have already had some contact and who already have some interest in each other. We don’t prevent people from meeting. Instead, we help them put important issues on the table.
4. Why doesn’t the test ask me about things I like? Don’t people in happy couples need to have similar interests?
People in successful relationships sometimes have similar interests and sometimes don't. It many cases, people who pair up often discover and develop common interests over a period of years. Starting out with similar interests—in hip hop or video games or sports—is not as important as you might think. In fact, a relationship in which people start out with very different interests can be especially satisfying; it’s an ideal vehicle for learning new things, and novelty adds spice to relationships. What relationships can’t tolerate, however, are deal breakers—unmet relationship needs that can make every day a living hell. The absence of deal breakers in a relationship is far more important than common interests.
5. Why can’t I edit my answers once I’ve submitted them?
We might offer than option in the future, but at the moment we’d rather have you take the test from scratch. We don’t want people tinkering with their answers to improve their compatibility reports. Instead, your test results should be considered a reasonably accurate indication of your state of mind when you took the test. At some point in the future, if you really think you’re feeling differently about some things—maybe because you now have some new insights about your legitimate needs—we believe that the best thing to do is to retake the test. When people take it a second time, completing it goes much faster; it’s not hard at all.
6. I keep getting bad results—finding that I’m incompatible with a lot of people. Am I defective, or could it be that the test is defective?
Probably neither one. You are who you are, and the test simply shows you where your most basic and important relationship needs are out of alignment with the most basic and important relationship needs of another person. On the other hand, if you keep finding that your deal breaker list is always much longer than your potential partner’s deal breaker list, that could mean you’re an especially demanding person—that you might have a large number of relationship needs that can’t easily be met. Over time, you might find that you become more relaxed about some issues and more flexible in your thinking; your list of "must haves" and "must not haves" might get shorter. The shorter your list, the easier it will be for you to help create a fulfilling relationship that’s free of conflict and pain.
7. Can’t I just fool the system by deliberately listing very few deal breakers?
Yes, of course, but if you need to lie in order to do that, you’re setting yourself up for failure. If it’s extremely important for you to be with someone who’s willing to have children with you, for example, and you lie about that fact, you could end up with someone who is going to disappoint you profoundly. Deal breakers are your "core" needs. They need to be out in the open when you think about being in a serious relationship with someone.
8. Can’t people just ignore deal breakers?
Of course. People in long-term relationships ignore deal breakers all the time. But if the issues being ignored are important to one person or the other, they still impact the relationship. To put this another way, you can survive in a relationship that’s haunted by deal breakers, but it’s hard to be happy.
9. Can’t a deal breaker be completely eliminated sometimes—maybe because people love each other a lot and are willing to make sacrifices for each other?
Yes. Research shows, in fact, that one of the ways you can deliberately increase love in a relationship is by an act of "accommodation"—that is, by making a dramatic change in your life to accommodate one of your partner’s basic needs. Sometimes, for example, someone will completely renounce drinking or smoking or gambling in order to preserve a relationship. A dramatic shift of that sort—an accommodation—can greatly strengthen an emotional bond. Putting the deal breakers on the table is a first step toward a possible accommodation.
10. Couldn't you use the data in your system to find someone for me with whom I share no deal breakers—you know, a perfect partner?
Yes, and we will offer that service in the future. In fact, the possibility of finding someone like that for you is one of the main goals of our organization. Remember, though, that people who take our test now have already met each other and have some mutual interest. When we connect you with an "ideal" mate, you will still need to meet. No test can predict the complex reactions people have when they see each other face-to-face. The good news is that if you and another person have few or no deal breakers and also have some mutual attraction, you can almost certainly build a lasting, loving, conflict-free relationship—the kind most people dream about.