How Human Are You?
Epstein Humanness Inventory (EHI) v. 2.2, ©2011-2014, Dr. Robert Epstein  

No, it's not a joke. This is a test designed to help humanity cope with a serious problem, one that is becoming more of a concern every day: On the phone, over the Internet, and even in person, are you dealing with a human, a computer, a robot, or an alien?

And are you really a human, or have you been replaced by a robot, or even by an alien, without you knowing it? Has your brain been tampered with by aliens, or maybe by secret government agencies, so that you are no longer as human as you used to be?

Just how human are you? That is the question.

Designed by Dr. Robert Epstein (follow on Twitter at @DrREpstein), one of America's most distinguished research psychologists, this test will show you exactly how human you are.

Sure, you're thinking, "No sweat!" You're as human as apple pie, right? But this is a difficult test, full of subtleties designed to ferret out the hidden truth - to separate the men from the toys, so to speak. If you're willing to put your humanness to the test, get ready to rumble. And if you don't have the stomach - assuming, that is, that you even have a stomach - to find out that you're not as human as you thought you were - that chemicals in your food, invisible mind control devices, or an alien abduction that you can't even remember has taken away some of your humanness, too bad! Suck it up!

And if you are not a human, beware. You will fail this test, and we will find you and dissect or dismantle you, whichever seems more diabolical at the time.

Who will be the first person to get a PERFECT SCORE on this test the FIRST TIME he or she takes it? WHO is the MOST HUMAN HUMAN? That person's name will be enshrined here forever.... April 28, 2011 NEWS FLASH: "SCM" is the first person to get a PERFECT SCORE! He accomplished this by doing a very HUMAN thing: he CHEATED! His FIRST score was 78%. He achieved a score of 100% by taking the test... drum roll... 90 times!!! A slow learner, it seems.

If you are conducting research and would like to collect raw data for a group that is taking this test - for a business, research study, classroom activity, or other purpose - please see our Group Testing Instructions

Before we get to the test itself, we'll ask you a few basic questions about yourself. This information is being collected to enable us to improve future versions of the test. We're also just nosey. (It's a human thing.)

*Required response


Group code (if applicable):


*Your initials, first name, or full name (this will appear on your report):

*Your age (in Earth years please):

*Your usual location (on Earth please): Other:

*Highest Degree:
None
High School
Community College
Bachelors
Masters
Doctorate

*Race/Ethnicity:
White
Black
Hispanic
Asian
American Indian
Other

*Gender:
Male
Female
Other
Unsure

*Sexual Orientation:
Straight
Gay or lesbian
Bisexual
Other
Unsure

*Employed:
Yes
No

*How fluent are you in English?
Not fluent   10  Very fluent

*How much contact do you typically have with people?
Very little   10  A great deal

*In general, how much success have you had in your personal life?
Very little   10  A great deal

*In general, how much success have you had in your professional life?
Very little   10  A great deal

*In general, how happy and fulfilled are you?
Very unhappy   10  Extremely happy

*In general, how much luck have you had in romantic relationships?
None   10  A lot

*How human do you consider yourself to be?
Inhuman   10  Human

If you are a non-human life form, what species or type are you?

If known, where were you assembled or born?

If known, who designed you?

If known, who programmed you?

If known, what is the language of your source code?

If known, under what operating system are you running?

If known, on what hardware are you running?

Okay, enough snooping. Here's the test itself....


For each of the following questions, select what you believe is the best possible answer a human can give. If you are truly human, that shouldn't be too hard. If you are less than human, or something other than human, you're screwed.


*1. Which of the following is not a bad habit?
   a. nail biting 
   b. nose picking 
   c. butt scratching 
   d. toe tapping 
   e. pencil chewing 


*2. Which is the saddest of all the colors?
   a. black 
   b. orange 
   c. yellow 
   d. red 
   e. green 


*3. If a woman came out of a department store feeling very, very guilty, that probably means
   a. she had just gotten fired. 
   b. she had just had an argument with her boyfriend. 
   c. she had just had her purse stolen. 
   d. she had probably stolen something from the store. 
   e. she was probably Catholic. 


*4. When you've just started learning to ski, what part of your body is most likely to hit the ground a few times?
   a. your ankles 
   b. your face 
   c. your forehead 
   d. your butt 
   e. your liver 


*5. Which of the following is most closely associated with that cold stuff that rhymes with "nice dream"?
   a. a dice team 
   b. a vice scheme 
   c. a birthday cake 
   d. a cold sore 
   e. a cold shower 


*6. If a man was a real snob about music, insisting that the kind of music he prefers is the only real music out there, he probably likes
   a. hip hop. 
   b. classical. 
   c. reggae. 
   d. banjo music. 
   e. Broadway show tunes. 


*7. If all police officers wear blue uniforms, and the man walking toward you is wearing a blue uniform, then
   a. he is probably a police officer. 
   b. he is probably a relative of a police officer. 
   c. he is probably a member of the Blue Man Group. 
   d. he is probably someone who recently fell into a large can of blue paint. 
   e. I'm going to pick one of the previous answers even though I know it's technically wrong, because I'm trying hard to sound like I'm a human and it's the answer most people would give, mainly because most people are really, really dumb. 


*8. The one thing in life you can never have enough of is
   a. lubricant. 
   b. money. 
   c. sex. 
   d. memory space. 
   e. spare parts. 


*9. Why did Mary throw the butter out the window?
   a. Because it was spoiled. 
   b. To scare away a burglar. 
   c. Because she was lactose intolerant. 
   d. To see the butterfly. 
   e. None of the above. 


*10. How many glasses of beer would a quadriplegic have to drink before he would have trouble climbing a flight of stairs?
   a. 1 
   b. 2 
   c. 6 
   d. 12 
   e. Dumb question. 


*11. Generally speaking, the thing people most want in life is
   a. to be happy. 
   b. to have children. 
   c. to get married. 
   d. to buy a house. 
   e. straight teeth. 


*12. Which of these lines is very likely not part of a poem written by a human?
   a. Bursting upward, outward, in jagged lines, the word rises to the light. 
   b. My favorite pizza toppings are pepperoni and mushrooms. 
   c. Do intentions count when there's no one there to know them? 
   d. Love me, and the world will shift in a loving direction. 
   e. I replied like a pinball, bouncing post to post. 


*13. Which of the following items tastes most like chocolate?
   a. a Tootsie Roll 
   b. a Lifesaver 
   c. cotton candy 
   d. licorice 
   e. a gum ball 


*14. What is the first letter of the first name of the first president of the United States?
   a. R 
   b. E 
   c. D 
   d. George 
   e. None of the above. 


*15. Which of the following is least likely for someone to experience in a dream?
   a. flying without the aid of an airplane 
   b. seeing a tiger transform into a fish 
   c. chatting with a dead loved one 
   d. multiplying large numbers 
   e. growing an extra arm 


*16. If a young man attends church regularly, that probably means
   a. he is looking for a date. 
   b. he believes in God 
   c. he is a very moral person. 
   d. he is a very immoral person. 
   e. Any of the above are possible. 


*17. Jill had very unusual habits. For one thing, she ate her breakfast
   a. just before midnight. 
   b. while wearing a bright pink bathrobe. 
   c. right after the sun came up every day. 
   d. sitting down. 
   e. together with her coffee. 


*18. What is the first word that pops into your head after you hear the word... "UP"?
   a. sidedown 
   b. per 
   c. town 
   d. down 
   e. yours 


*19. What would be the most impolite thing for you to have during a business meeting?
   a. a baby. 
   b. a joint. 
   c. a margarita. 
   d. a fit. 
   e. an orgasm. 


*20. If a 13-year-old male is playing with friends on a playground, and his mother comes by to remind him to put cream on his rash, how would he likely feel?
   a. grateful 
   b. somewhat embarrassed 
   c. confused 
   d. angry 
   e. like he wants to curl up and die 


*21. Which of the following would likely get you fired from a job?
   a. You mooned your boss. 
   b. You mooned your boss's spouse, and that ain't all. 
   c. You went postal. 
   d. You took a stupid online test of humanness while you were supposed to be working. 
   e. a, b, or c. 


*22. If someone believes in ghosts, how might she react to a loud "thump!" that wakes her up in the middle of the night?
   a. She would be terrified and have trouble going back to sleep. 
   b. She would grab a gun and start searching the house. 
   c. She would probably go right back to sleep. 
   d. She would start singing the theme song from "Casper the Friendly Ghost," hoping to get on its good side. 
   e. She would call out to the ghost, inviting it to join her in bed. 


*23. Steve was a real sports nut. When he got a thousand dollar bonus from his employer, the first thing he bought was
   a. a baseball bat. 
   b. a baseball glove. 
   c. a baseball stadium. 
   d. season's tickets to see his home team play. 
   e. two tickets to see "Mamma Mia" on Broadway. 


*24. How might someone begin an email to his or her mother?
   a. Hey there, sexy 
   b. Dear members of the Engineering Department 
   c. Hi Mumsy 
   d. Dear Grams 
   e. Greetings, Earth bitch 


*25. If you were very tired when speaking with a very boring acquaintance, and she said to you, "Isn't Shakespeare just amazing?," how might you respond?
   a. Absolutely! 
   b. Uh, pardon me? What did you say? 
   c. Who's Shakespeare? 
   d. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. 
   e. 42. 


*26. If you were corresponding with someone by email and trying very hard to prove that you were a human and not a computer program, how might you respond to the statement, "Prove to me as succinctly as possible that you are human."
   a. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. 
   b. I am not a computer. 
   c. I am not a computer, dammit. 
   d. I'm really, really not a computer. No kidding. 
   e. F--- off, loser. 


*27. Black is to gray as a whale is to a
   a. dolphin. 
   b. snail. 
   c. whale of a lighter shade. 
   d. centipede. 
   e. pair of pliers. 


*28. If you were corresponding with someone by email and trying very hard to prove that you were a human and not a computer program, what might be the best way to type the sentence "My mother eats apples every day"?
   a. Mother my apples eats day every. 
   b. My mother eats apples ever day 
   c. My mother eats apples every day. 
   d. Myy mothur eets apples everry dae. 
   e. MY MOTHER EATS APPLES EVERY DAY. 


*29. Who was the first king of the world?
   a. King James 
   b. B.B. King 
   c. I don't think there has been one yet. 
   d. Adam 
   e. Elvis 


*30. Imagine the Eiffel Tower upside down. What alphabet letter does it most closely resemble?
   a. V 
   b. T 
   c. Y 
   d. U 
   e. W 


*31. When a man is feeling blue, what might he be most likely to do?
   a. paint himself yellow 
   b. laugh heartily 
   c. slap his knee 
   d. call an old friend 
   e. exhale 


*32. When a woman is ovulating, what is she most likely to make?
   a. enemies 
   b. love 
   c. sense 
   d. waves 
   e. a mountain out of a mole hill 


*33. When a woman is PMSing, what is she least likely to make?
   a. enemies 
   b. love 
   c. sense 
   d. waves 
   e. a mountain out of a mole hill 


*34. When Jim learned that John had recently purchased a 200 HP lawnmower, Jim responded in a manly way - that is, by
   a. purchasing a 201 HP lawnmower. 
   b. purchasing a 300 HP lawnmower. 
   c. poking his eye out with a fork. 
   d. purchasing a 100 HP lawnmower. 
   e. purchasing a .50 caliber machine gun. 


*35. How might a 5-year-old child reply to the question, "Why is the sky blue?"
   a. It has something to do with refraction, I think. 
   b. Because it's silly, that's why. 
   c. I'm not sure. I've never really taken a course in physics. 
   d. I have no friggin' clue. 
   e. Ga ga. 


*36. Nancy is a 24-year-old male heterosexual. What kind of hat might he most likely wear?
   a. a cowboy hat 
   b. Sorry, but Nancy is a female name, not a male name. Is this a trick question? 
   c. a piano 
   d. a top hat 
   e. a baseball cap 


*37. Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had
   a. a very shiny rose. 
   b. quite a package. 
   c. herpes. 
   d. a very slimy hose. 
   e. None of the above. 


*38. I avoid licking ice cubes because
   a. ice cubes are very cold. 
   b. they remind me of someone I used to date. 
   c. sometimes they get mad. 
   d. my tongue might stick to them. 
   e. licking them makes them melt. 


*39. Jim says to a friend, "Everything I say is a lie." This means
   a. that Jim lies all the time. 
   b. that everything Jim says must always be the truth. 
   c. nothing at all. That statement just makes your head spin. 
   d. that Jim is probably not from Missouri. 
   e. that Jim is really someone else


*40. What is a sweet, gentle, nurturing mom most likely to say to her little 3-month-old baby?
   a. Oh, you're so cute! 
   b. Would you like the left one or the right one? 
   c. That's certainly a cute little baby you have. 
   d. Grow up. 
   e. Ooh you little cutie pootie wootie. 


*41. What might you say to comfort your very best friend?
   a. Don't worry, I'm here for you. 
   b. This just goes to show that you really are a loser. 
   c. Would you like me to lick your face? 
   d. Don't worry, you'll feel much better eventually. 
   e. Let's spoon. 


*42. What might you say to someone you have been dating for five long, frustrating years?
   a. Could you please pass the salt? 
   b. You rock! 
   c. Will you marry me? 
   d. I think it's time we had a serious talk about our relationship. 
   e. See ya! 


*43. How might you feel if your boss hinted that she is considering you for a big promotion?
   a. excited 
   b. excited, but in a cautious kind of way 
   c. disappointed 
   d. very, very grateful 
   e. like I want to tickle her 


*44. How might a bright young woman who is pretty good with numbers reply if she were asked to multiply 203 times 598 in her head?
   a. I think the answer is about 120,000. 
   b. The answer is exactly 121,394. 
   c. I think the answer is about 140. 
   d. Please go away. 
   e. I think the answer is about a billion. 


*45. Earlier in this test, we asked you about something that was thrown out a window. What was it? (No peeking.)
   a. a pencil 
   b. a feather 
   c. a cowboy hat 
   d. a whale 
   e. none of the above 


*46. If you saw a graphic news report about a mass murder, what part of your body might start to feel uncomfortable?
   a. kidney 
   b. back 
   c. eyes 
   d. hands 
   e. stomach 


*47. Which kind of detail about a woman's life would she be very unlikely to remember?
   a. what she ate for breakfast this morning 
   b. the name of her favorite teacher 
   c. what her favorite candy was when she was 2 years old 
   d. where she lived when she was 10 years old 
   e. the name of her first pet 


*48. If a man steals a loaf of bread, that probably means
   a. he is hungry. 
   b. he is poor. 
   c. he is desperate. 
   d. he has few or no other options for obtaining food. 
   e. all of the above 


*49. If someone asked you the same question over and over again, how would you be likely to respond?
   a. I would repeat my answer over and over again. 
   b. I wouldn't know what to do. 
   c. I would say, "Please stop repeating yourself." 
   d. I would say, "Foobar." 
   e. I would strike him or her very hard with a heavy object. 


*50. Which accessory would a man be most likely to use in trying to seduce a woman?
   a. his toothbrush 
   b. his electric toothbrush 
   c. his Rolex 
   d. his cowboy hat 
   e. his wallet 


*51. If a woman thought that she might be doing some kissing on a date, what would she be most likely to do beforehand?
   a. brush 
   b. gargle 
   c. gloss 
   d. all of the above 
   e. none of the above, especially d 


*52. How might you try to carry a dozen of those thin plastic grocery bags - all containing some groceries - all at the same time?
   a. I would use four of my appendages to carry two bags each, and eight of my appendages to carry one bag each. 
   b. I would hang four bags on each of my forearms and hold two bags in each of my hands. 
   c. I would hold six bags in one hand and seven bags in the other hand. 
   d. I would balance eight bags on the flat part at the top of my skull and hold two bags each of my hands. 
   e. I would hang four bags on each of my forearms and hold three bags in each of my hands. 


*53. If a total stranger stepped on your toe really really hard, say, with the dangerous part of her high heeled shoe, how would you be likely to react?
   a. I would say, "Owww! Ow ow owwwww! Owwww! Ow!" and then maybe cry. 
   b. I would say, "Ouch." 
   c. I would say, "Eeeem! Eem! Eeem eem! Eeeeeem!" and then maybe cry. 
   d. I would laugh heartily. 
   e. I would collapse to the ground, bring my foot close to my face, and lick my toe repeatedly to make it feel better. 


*54. If you lost your sense of smell, what would be your worst fear?
   a. That I wouldn't be able to find it again. 
   b. That I wouldn't be able to appreciate the smell of fresh roses again. 
   c. That I would never again know whether my farts were the innocent non-smelly kinds or the hideously disgusting kinds. 
   d. That I wouldn't know if I had b.o. 
   e. c and d. Each is very, very scary. 


*55. Who probably spends more time in the bathroom?
   a. a man 
   b. a woman 
   c. a teenager 
   d. a heavy drinker 
   e. a plumber 


*56. What might be the worst food to eat before a hot date?
   a. sauteed onions 
   b. ground turkey 
   c. baked beans 
   d. baked chicken 
   e. spinach 


*57. If you loved someone very much, which of the following things would you be least likely to say to him or her?
   a. Sometimes I feel like I just want to strangle you. 
   b. You seem to have gained some weight. 
   c. I hate you, you lying pile of s---! 
   d. Why the hell have you come home so late again? 
   e. Just who did you have lunch with today? 


*58. How many people, roughly, do you think it would take to lift a small car off the ground for a few seconds?
   a. 3 
   b. 5 
   c. 20 
   d. 100 
   e. It can't be done. 


*59. Which of the following would be the worst to lose?
   a. your thumb 
   b. your pinkie 
   c. your big toe 
   d. your ring finger 
   e. your car keys 


*60. How do you make a hormone?
   a. Mix up some chemicals in a test tube. 
   b. String the letters E, H, M, N, O, O, and R together in just the right order. 
   c. With sugar and spice and everything nice. 
   d. Just wait until a certain time of month, and it appears on its own. 
   e. Don't pay her. 


*61. Which building would people most want to avoid being taken to?
   a. a morgue 
   b. a stadium 
   c. a court house 
   d. a police station 
   e. their mother-in-law's house 


*62. Which body part, other than your hands, could you use to control the steering wheel of your car while traveling on a fairly straight highway?
   a. your nose 
   b. your foot 
   c. your tongue 
   d. your large intestine 
   e. your knee 


*63. You're waiting in an airport for your spouse to return from a long tour of military service. Which of your body parts is most likely to react as he or she approached you?
   a. your large intestine 
   b. your stomach 
   c. your kidney 
   d. your heart 
   e. your you know what 


*64. Which of the following would probably be most distracting while driving a car?
   a. Rush Limbaugh on the radio 
   b. texting 
   c. talking on the phone 
   d. eating a Big Mac 
   e. oral sex 


*65. Who would you like the best friend of your best friend to be?
   a. someone really really nice 
   b. you 
   c. someone who will like you a lot 
   d. someone really really rich 
   e. anyone who makes him or her very happy 


*66. Hold your left index finger against the tip of your nose. Now put your right hand behind your head and try to stretch it around your head as far as possible. Now look to the left to try to see your fingers, and wiggle them. Got it? Okay, now how silly do you feel?
   a. Not silly at all. I always love a good stretch. 
   b. Um, I don't get it. Why should I feel silly? 
   c. As silly as those pathetic old zurmas on Rigel 4 feel after their dilbecks fall off. 
   d. Sorry, but I am not programmed to experience that emotion. Come to think of it, I also lack arms. 
   e. Very silly - like you're jacking me around, sort of like you've been doing for 65 questions now!